Thank you. You are so loved!!!
Thank you. You are so loved!!!
Without going into much detail last night was about three nightmares all combined. I really don’t understand why last night had to be included in this journey of mine but it was and now I have to deal with it. Coming out of last night with many mixed emotions and many feelings I just give it all to God. I was terrified but I blame myself really for putting myself in the situation. I don’t really know why I blame myself I just do. It’s just a repeating pattern in my life, abuse. And I just let it happen. This time I don’t blame God or question His existence, I know He will protect me, and He did, the rest is up to me to make smarter decisions. Despite the terror of last night, I got up and headed to church, nearly in tears as I got there. The sermon was about healing and at the end they had the leaders praying for everyone in need of prayer. Of coarse with my anxiety and all I waited till the end to go up and get prayed for. The funny thing is, the lady that prayed with me, was the same one I went up to the first time I went to that church. She anointed me with oil, prayed over me and gave me her number. As my face was covered in tears and fear. She told me something I was never told before. She told me, I have a voice. And I don’t have to let people take advantage of me anymore. Because what was done to me was not my fault. It just really hit me. I don’t have to sit there anymore. I can fight back, I can prevent things before its too late. God’s given me a voice to stand up for myself. So this is it. I am Nikki, and I refuse to be a victim of sexual abuse anymore. Yes I still have trauma to overcome, but in Gods time He will heal me. I am made new and I may stumble and I may still get hurt but God will always see me through because I belong to Him, and Him alone.
These past two weeks have been very hard for me to comprehend. Since I’ve been baptized, parts, past parts of me have been coming out, because apparently they want to be healed. I am being told that I have D.I.D, disassociated identity disorder. I still have yet to come to terms what it really means. All I know is I lose time, forget things and people and at some intense times and situations I believe I am younger, sometimes much younger than I am and I am stuck in a certain time period of my life. So basically if you can not get a hold of me. If you don’t hear from me from awhile it’s because I’m very busy in my recovery. And although I believe I do not have time for healing, because I am setting goals, working 45 hours a week and answering to God, I know He wants me to heal. Please pray for me because I do not want to lose my job because of this. I do not want to come off crazy to anyone. Luckily, only those who are close to me can really pick up on it. But I spend a good part of my day, everyday at work so I just hope in doesn’t influence my ability to work, and I remember to go to work. Anyways, that is my update. God is calling me into ministry but first I need to heal, so pray I do so.
Yes I will live. But I’m not ever going to be okay with you being absent.