Anonymous: That is an awesome testimony :) I'm so happy that God is really working in your life, love you & God bless <3 xx

Thank you. You are so loved!!!

Without going into much detail last night was about three nightmares all combined. I really don’t understand why last night had to be included in this journey of mine but it was and now I have to deal with it. Coming out of last night with many mixed emotions and many feelings I just give it all to God. I was terrified but I blame myself really for putting myself in the situation. I don’t really know why I blame myself I just do. It’s just a repeating pattern in my life, abuse. And I just let it happen. This time I don’t blame God or question His existence, I know He will protect me, and He did, the rest is up to me to make smarter decisions. Despite the terror of last night, I got up and headed to church, nearly in tears as I got there. The sermon was about healing and at the end they had the leaders praying for everyone in need of prayer. Of coarse with my anxiety and all I waited till the end to go up and get prayed for. The funny thing is, the lady that prayed with me, was the same one I went up to the first time I went to that church. She anointed me with oil, prayed over me and gave me her number. As my face was covered in tears and fear. She told me something I was never told before. She told me, I have a voice. And I don’t have to let people take advantage of me anymore. Because what was done to me was not my fault. It just really hit me. I don’t have to sit there anymore. I can fight back, I can prevent things before its too late. God’s given me a voice to stand up for myself. So this is it. I am Nikki, and I refuse to be a victim of sexual abuse anymore. Yes I still have trauma to overcome, but in Gods time He will heal me. I am made new and I may stumble and I may still get hurt but God will always see me through because I belong to Him, and Him alone.

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So here’s a quick update.

These past two weeks have been very hard for me to comprehend. Since I’ve been baptized, parts, past parts of me have been coming out, because apparently they want to be healed. I am being told that I have D.I.D, disassociated identity disorder. I still have yet to come to terms what it really means. All I know is I lose time, forget things and people and at some intense times and situations I believe I am younger, sometimes much younger than I am and I am stuck in a certain time period of my life. So basically if you can not get a hold of me. If you don’t hear from me from awhile it’s because I’m very busy in my recovery. And although I believe I do not have time for healing, because I am setting goals, working 45 hours a week and answering to God, I know He wants me to heal. Please pray for me because I do not want to lose my job because of this. I do not want to come off crazy to anyone. Luckily, only those who are close to me can really pick up on it. But I spend a good part of my day, everyday at work so I just hope in doesn’t influence my ability to work, and I remember to go to work. Anyways, that is my update. God is calling me into ministry but first I need to heal, so pray I do so.

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" And how hard is it to land even a minimum-wage job? This year, the Ivy League college admissions acceptance rate was 8.9%. Last year, when Walmart opened its first store in Washington, D.C., there were more than 23,000 applications for 600 jobs, which resulted in an acceptance rate of 2.6%, making the big box store about twice as selective as Harvard and five times as choosy as Cornell. Telling unemployed people to get off their couches (or out of the cars they live in or the shelters where they sleep) and get a job makes as much sense as telling them to go study at Harvard. "
" There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise. "
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" When my absence doesn’t alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it "

Yes I will live. But I’m not ever going to be okay with you being absent.

Because if you knew how I really felt about you, you’d know I’m being sincere when I say it won’t be the same without you there.
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